Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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