No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
