I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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