I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
