Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Never underestimate the power of titties
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