Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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