Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
