I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
