I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
