My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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