Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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