Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
my being single is dangerous.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
