I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
