guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
