i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
