my phone needs a breathalizer
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
