He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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