I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
and you said cock pushups were impossible
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
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