I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Everclear isn't food dammit
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
