sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
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