Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
