Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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