I met the friendliest cop last night
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
