Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
