i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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