Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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