My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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