i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
