If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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