i already hear my dad disowning me
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She bit a glass in half.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
