I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
