I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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