The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
