Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
