I accidentally had phone sex last night
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
