i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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