I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
