Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
