how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
