watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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