I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just gargled with NyQuil
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
