Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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