porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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