I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
