I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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