Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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