I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
