we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
