dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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