so that wasnt chicken after all
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I can't turn off my feet"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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