my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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