Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
