I'm gonna have a badass scar
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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