Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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