omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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