Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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