He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
